Disecting spam...and stuff

My friend, Keith, likes to disect his random myspace emailings. For some reason he gets lots of spam asking him to "view" a posted webcam by some uneducated, hot female (great blog). I have yet to receive any, probably because I am a woman. However, while being online most of the day I get some doosies (that's how we say it in the south). Read the following e-mail I just got:

"At first was i saw you picture as could not understand you your name. I thought god a cute look lady calling her self saucy wow she must be hot. but after looking at all you pictures and see you play football I thought you not saucy baby you gutsy (maybe not a word but for you it a word). You look like a person who likes to take control. "

Yes I am "gutsy". It a word.

This "45 year-old engineer" writes like he does not have the letter 'r' on his keyboard. Being an engineer myself, I like proper spelling and puctuation. It's a pet peeve of mine and I even text message in this manner. I cannot stand the "U"s and "4ever"s I see from other people. A run-on sentence is my kryptonite.

Evidently someone is playing a joke on me at this point. It's the same people in that hard-to-spell/say foreign country who watches Quiet Mouse and I interact on Saucy TV. I can feel them pointing and laughing. I'm waiting on my Geo Metro.

After reading this email, I immediately head to his profile ( Crazy Engineer Guy).

He's into hockey, women, baseball, and "lot" of sex. I can tell because his location is "between her legs". Who is "her"? And does he accept mail at this location? Is she aware that he's emailing other GORGEOUS women (see his friends, they are hot)?

My favorite part of this random email is "You look like a person who likes to take control." This was evidently copied and pasted into this email as it is the only coherent sentence in it. Disecting away, I know this means "I am looking for a Madame who can whip me like no other".

Yes, I can Bob...yes I can.

Boo..and stuff

Last night, my friend and I went to a couple local bars. Being Saturday night we thought we would actually have a good time and meet a lot of people. Mercy we were wrong.

We started off at Humphrey's, which is usually a pretty cool place. We got out table outside in the 96 degree sweaty Bama heat. The band was a blues band that evidently only knew one song. This song lasted probably an hour, complete with the lead guitarist making his "O" face while he played. As if this wasn't entertaining enough, I realized the band actually planned their outfits. This consisted of a ratty button-up black stained shirt and jeans. Luckily the sweat covered most of the stains. After our hour, friend and I ventured to Mollie Teals.

And the madness continued.

Stepping into this small establishment, we were met with the night's entertainment, a fiddler or somethinanother. He was pretty good. The crowd wasn't as large as I had seen it before though. We grab our drinks and head to a booth. As I'm drinking my Miller, this older gentleman (maybe 60) looks me up and down and says "Boo" as I walk by. Boo? I didn't realize Casper was such a player. Boo? Seriously? Who does that?

Friend and I sit and listen to "Turn the Page" by the fiddler and make small talk. She takes a call outside, leaving ample opportunity for Casper to make his move. He headed over to see me and I was mortified. He starts talking about his favorite part of my body. Me wearing my low-cut shirt didn't help, or so I thought. He says he loves my eyebrows. Now I've had compliments every other conceivable body party EXCEPT my eyebrows. WTF? He says he loves women with dark pubic hair. WTF??? Casper thinks he winning me over but I can't stop laughing. I thought one of my friends put him up to this. He then says he can tell I'm a great lover (duh!) and all of the other guys I've dated can't keep up (oh like he could!! Luckily I'm CPR and defibulator trained!). I think quickly of how I could get rid of this friendly ghost so I tell him "That's funny considering I'm gay!" This is my only way out I thought. ENTER my friend. CRAP!! She sits down, looking strangely at my newest eyebrow-crazed old friend. He realizes she is "mine" and tries to tell her he approves of our "relationship". She just stares at him. I'm trying to mouth to her that I'm gay and she's my woman. She didn't get the message. Her fax machine must not have been working. He is still sitting there and telling my friend he realizes she's mad because she's not comfortable with her sexuality but he is. She gives him many many evil eyes and finally says "Can you please leave now?" He finally departed and we left.

Boo.I'm throwing all of my other pick-up lines away now.