Last night, my friend and I went to a couple local bars. Being Saturday night we thought we would actually have a good time and meet a lot of people. Mercy we were wrong.
We started off at Humphrey's, which is usually a pretty cool place. We got out table outside in the 96 degree sweaty Bama heat. The band was a blues band that evidently only knew one song. This song lasted probably an hour, complete with the lead guitarist making his "O" face while he played. As if this wasn't entertaining enough, I realized the band actually planned their outfits. This consisted of a ratty button-up black stained shirt and jeans. Luckily the sweat covered most of the stains. After our hour, friend and I ventured to Mollie Teals.
And the madness continued.
Stepping into this small establishment, we were met with the night's entertainment, a fiddler or somethinanother. He was pretty good. The crowd wasn't as large as I had seen it before though. We grab our drinks and head to a booth. As I'm drinking my Miller, this older gentleman (maybe 60) looks me up and down and says "Boo" as I walk by. Boo? I didn't realize Casper was such a player. Boo? Seriously? Who does that?
Friend and I sit and listen to "Turn the Page" by the fiddler and make small talk. She takes a call outside, leaving ample opportunity for Casper to make his move. He headed over to see me and I was mortified. He starts talking about his favorite part of my body. Me wearing my low-cut shirt didn't help, or so I thought. He says he loves my eyebrows. Now I've had compliments every other conceivable body party EXCEPT my eyebrows. WTF? He says he loves women with dark pubic hair. WTF??? Casper thinks he winning me over but I can't stop laughing. I thought one of my friends put him up to this. He then says he can tell I'm a great lover (duh!) and all of the other guys I've dated can't keep up (oh like he could!! Luckily I'm CPR and defibulator trained!). I think quickly of how I could get rid of this friendly ghost so I tell him "That's funny considering I'm gay!" This is my only way out I thought. ENTER my friend. CRAP!! She sits down, looking strangely at my newest eyebrow-crazed old friend. He realizes she is "mine" and tries to tell her he approves of our "relationship". She just stares at him. I'm trying to mouth to her that I'm gay and she's my woman. She didn't get the message. Her fax machine must not have been working. He is still sitting there and telling my friend he realizes she's mad because she's not comfortable with her sexuality but he is. She gives him many many evil eyes and finally says "Can you please leave now?" He finally departed and we left.
Boo.I'm throwing all of my other pick-up lines away now.
