Birthday party...and stuff

I've been thinking about something recently. Perhaps only since lunch because I had slow-ass service at Buffalo's with Char. If I ever become un-straight, I have a checklist of characteristics my "ladymate" would have. (And yes, I know of the misspellings and bad grammar.)

1. She best not be easily embarrassed. I ain't havin' no lady who runs away from fun times...FUN TIMES...with me and my friends.

2. She better not be skinnier than me. She best be my size. I want to be able to share clothes. That's doubling my wardrobe!

3. She better not have an ass. I don't and she ain't gonna be stretchin' my clothes out.

4. She better not be no alcoholic. I can't afford it and it's just tacky dating a girl everyone talks about being an alcoholic.

5. She better like sports. I ain't hangin' with no woman who can't watch college football ,who can't throw a curve ball, or who don't 'WOOO' when some wrestler gets chopped.

6. She better like doin' dirty work. I ain't havin' no prissy woman who doesn't like gettin' dirty.

7. She better not be no crackhead. Again, I ain't datin' no woman everybody will make fun of. Plus that'll make her skinnier than me and that violates rule 2 but not 3.

8. She better have a job. I ain't datin' no mooch.

9. She better know how to cook a pot pie and know when to bring it to me. I ain't gonna be the only cook in this relationship.

10. She best not have jacked up teeth. I ain't havin' no woman with a battle of epic proportions in her pie hole.

11. She best not be a hooker. I can't deal with skanky bitches.

12. She better not be no damn Florida fan. Everyone hates Florida and I ain't datin' no Florida lover.

13. She better not be a faster runner than me. I ain't havin' it.

14. She better know how to clog. I ain't dancin' by myself on the Coyote Ugly bar...then again, I might.

15. She better drive a truck, and not a damn foreign one. I got stuff to haul.

16. She better know how to move a person. If she don't know how to stack stuff right and how to move a double recliner couch down some stairs...we gotta problem.

17. She best not be trying to wear my shoes. Saucy's shoes are her babies. I don't need no lady tryin' to cop my Steve Madden's.

18. She best be likin' to travel. I can go anywhere at anytime and she should too.

19. She best not have a beard. I ain't bein' made fun of. Mustaches are ok though.

20. She best have some smarts about her. I ain't datin' someone who doesn't know who the vice-president is. Or how to use an oven to cook my pot pie.

21. She best not be too smart. I ain't gonna be talkin' about no Fibonacci sequences or no non-eclidean geometries. That's what my freinds are for.

22. She best not have no limp. I ain't datin' no gimps...unless she hurt it playin' sports.

23. She best not be no huntin' type. I can't stand killin' small woodland creatures.

24. She best not be no smoker. The only smokin' I tolerate is Boston Butt.

These are just a few should I ever become a Klondike bar eater...

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Last night I went to see 'Snakes On A Plane'. Why you ask? Good question. Maybe becaues I enjoy snakes attacking people. Or I like planes with animals running amuk. Then I thought maybe it was love story about male porno stars getting it on. Perhaps Carly can chime in if she has this particular video already. You know she likes some trouser snakes...but only on video.

The buildup to this movie by the media has been interesting. The fact that the name of the movie gave the entire thing away behooves me. However, the question is "Will this be a cult classic?" It's possible. I'm sure it will win many accolades.

I'm not going to give the movie away (THERE ARE SNAKES ON A PLANE!) but I'll give you my review.

You know the snakes are coming at some point. You brace yourself for when they attack. It was a little unbelieveable but freakin' hilarious to me (my counter disagrees and said I was scared). I mean, come on. Do you think "No Shoulders" can put it's mouth around an entire human being's head? Even my un-hinge-ability isn't that grand.

I walked away from this movie with a faster heartbeat than when I came in. There were lots of startling scenes and lots of "wow, yeah, glad I ate before the movie" scenes. Some will no doubt be replicated by SNL or MAD Tv...or even God forbid the MTV Movie awards.

Samuel L. Jackson (not to be confused with Samuel P. Jackson, the roofing contractor in Maryland) played his usual kick-ass-Chuck-Norris-style Shafty role. He never plays a wimp. He did fairly well considering THERE WERE SNAKES ON A PLANE.

All in all, it was worthy of seeing in a theatre. I would recommend it being in 3D. And that you eat afterwards.

Hopefully I didn't give too much away (THERE ARE SNAKES ON A PLANE). I really hope this is just one of the many "_________ on a Plane" movies. The following is a list of the ones I hope to see.

Billy Goats On A Plane

Weaves On A Plane

Midgets On A Plane

Penis On A Plane

and the ever favorite in the Middle East...

Bhurkas (Gone Wild) On A Plane

What do you want to see on a plane? Let me know.

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Well folks, I celebrated my birthday in style this past weekend. Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes and the presents! I love me some presents! And cake. Fat girl's gotta eat.

Cat and I share our birthday so we decided to throw our own party. Since I love themes, we decided on a "Come as a Straight Girl" party, where you dress up as your opposite orientation. Since I'm straight and narrow, I had to dress up crooked (per Char's vocabulary).

Now I had been pondering what to dress up as and how to dress up. At first, I thought about dressing up as my football buddy Dana with her "tacky yet totally refined" shirts she wears and some cargo shorts. Dana was unable to make the party as she was too busy eating dogs in Korea. Then I debated on dressing up as a boy. One with glow sticks, a flashy shirt, and wrist bands. Then I realized my boobs were WAY to large for that. If I had taped them down, people wouldn't know who I was.

Then I get my email from Catherine, my favorite ginger. She's decided to dress as ME. Then the wheels started turning. I decided to go as my favorite sideline videographer...Ms. Catherine The Great herself. Here's a lovely pic of the lady..

Usually, she wears her utilitairan look out to the games. Mostly a cowboy hat (to block the sun), cargos with deep pockets for things, and a tank top, preferabbly green or black. So, I bought me a wig, shorts, and found my Velma glasses....

I let Cat borrow my practice jersey so she donned it, a doo rag, slutty tank and ugly shoes to complete the "Saucy" look. In pic is me, Carlito, and Cat. Notice Carlito's skirt...borrowed from her sister whom we call "Sister". That night, however, she was Sam (in the green). Sam carried a pocket knife, chapstick and a wallet.

As the guests started showing up, I found myself double over laughing so hard at outfit choices. My favorite had to be my buddy Char who was known as "Vonda" that night. Vonda had a husband, Earl, who was at the races..and she was a lady. Oh what a lady she was. Thanks to Sister "Sam" for doing her make-up because it's been a while since Char has put on her face.

Now here's a pic of the lovely Chara before (number 92)...

So look out, here comes Vonda after ...notice her nails :)

And also notice how Carlito is in a lot of my photos.

Other "characters" for the night included Sandy (Kerby) and Britney (Marty). In this pic, Sandy shows that she really does like the penis pinata.

Britney cooked some out-of-this-world food and tolerated wearing my skirt. I told her she's going to have to eat more if she's going to be wearing my clothes. She's our running back and you know those girls are small.

Sandy had hair and make-up (courtesy of Sam again) and carried a purse. All of the "ladies" carried a purse that night.

Other couples of interest that night included Aric and Amanda and Taylor and Lee. Sorry I don't have your pics up yet.

One of my favorite people in the world is Cally (forgive me if I spelled it wrong). I met her recently and found out she makes me laugh so hard. She's the other "token" among our buddies so she's my straight girlfriend. She came to the party in painted over-alls. Evidently lesbians are great house painters. I had no clue. So here she is with the birthday girls.

Later on that night we played poker. Cally and I put on our poker mustaches and played characters. Of course she was Louigi from Super Mario Bros...freakin' hilarious. I wore multiple mustaches at the same time. Maybe it was the rum and coke, I have no idea. I played poker for a few hours on ten bucks. And it was my second time playing. I think my mustache, sunglasses and cowboy hat worked. I'll put that pic up sometime soon...maybe...

All in all it was a blast. Sorry you missed it. Maybe our next party will be a different theme, though secretly I think these girls liked putting on make-up and carrying purses. Thanks for the pics Char.

Slumber Party...and stuff

Friday night, I invited all of the women I know (except any family members) to my Slumber Party. This wasnt your typical slumber party with eating, laughing, talking about boys, and prancing around in our underwear...wait a minute...yes it was. The only difference was items of an adult nature were sold. And the underwear vibrated. A professional consultant came to my humble abode and proceeded to enrich the lives of fourteen lucky women.

Let me start at the beginning. For all of you readers of my blog, you may remember the saleslady I accidentally hit in the head with a double-headed dildo. Yes, I finally booked my party with her. The theme to my party was sports; everyone was to come in some sporting garb. I, being Cheerleader, donned my Spartan Cheerleader outfit (Go Team). My place was festooned with football, baseball, NASCAR, and golf decorations. Yes, festooned. Soccer was not involved as I believe soccer is the devil. Finger foods were plentiful. And it was BYOB. Mercy was it ever...

My lady friends proceeded to show up, wearing football jerseys, golf attire, basketball outfits, and bandannas. Gotta love the sporty bandanna look ;)

As the food was being grazed and the alcohol and/or non-alcoholic drinks flowed, we all sat around, waiting for the BIG SHOW (no, not the wrestler). Professional Romance Enhancer Lady (PREL) proceeded to start the show off with small items such as key chains, kitty masks, playing cards (which she thought she was never getting back), and sensual oils. Everyone oohed and aaahed. There were some instruction books that were surprisingly not passed around when it got to certain people. This certain person read and read and read about *ahem* personal intimacy.

As the night continued, we took a brief intermission (no CC, there was not any music by Milli Vanilli being played much like your wrestling show). Everyone took in more and more food (pigs in a blanket, cheese tray, ham/turkey tray, cookies, chips/dip, etc)

As we returned, we had a game to play. The PREL picked Chara out of the group to come up in front of everyone. Chara, being the Mich Ultra drinker, had turned into Opie (her drinking alter-ego that wears blue checkered shirts and bears resemblance to Sheriff Andy Taylors sweet sweet son). She happily obliged. I had to chose her cohort to join her. Me, being the nice one of the bunch, picked Mich Ultra drinker Carly to help Chara with this game. Then the PREL asked the both of them to pick partners. Me being the Sauce, Chara scoops me up for her partner. Carla picked tan Deb to join her. What happens next is pure comedy.

Chara and Carly were both given condoms to unwrap and blow up. They looked puzzled at this challenge. Being the mechanical engineer, I stepped up and showed them how it was done. The prophylactics were soon filled with air and tied off. The two were then told to put this hot air balloon down their shorts. Deb and I laughed until we were told to bend over...yes, bend with a bum knee. The object of the game is to pop the condom/balloon by bumping uglies. So, me being the competitive one, bent over while my hips were grabbed to force the condom to pop.

This was harder than expected. Lots of adjusting of the junk took place. I even fell over once from all of the force. Dont worry, my knee is ok. Finally, Deb and Carly switched and in one quick move...BOOM. Deb and Carly were the winners.

After my head stopped hurting from all of laughing, we proceeded to witness the big fake penises being shown and passed around. Lots of buttons, beading, animal-like shapes, and vibrations were strewn about.

After the finale, PREL also talks about the vibrating underwear she has for sale. One of my teammates pulled them over her shorts and after one button was pushed, she doubled over laughing. Another teammate, we'll refer to her as Tiger, was reluctant to wear these until peer pressure made her give in.

All in all, this was one of the best times Ive ever had with my lady friends. We learned a lot about each other. I learned one can suck the jelly out of a donut, some dont know how to unwrap condoms, and also some new dating rules Ive never heard before. Ill probably have another Slumber Party this year. I made $80 this time being a hostess, who knows how much Ill make next time.