Wow...just wow...and stuff

No, I'm not speaking of that Nickelodean show hosted by Marc Summers (who strangely had OCD and hated getting dirty on Double Dare). What happened to "Hey Dude" btw?

Anyway, last night, a bearded man and I went to eat at a restaurant in which I had the O'Tenders and drank my O'Dr. Pepper. While we were eating, a couple next to us got up to leave. All of a sudden I heard a thud as something had fallen to the ground. I didn't automatically look down to see what was there. I assumed it was either a wallet or the bill or chapstick (yes, they make heavy chapstick).

My cohort looked down and started grinning at me. I glanced down to see a box of Durex condoms. The guy who dropped them didn't see them in the middle of the floor...waiting to be gathered and used for later (they hoped). However, his date saw them but chose not to say anything. So what would you do? Do you say "Sir, your Durex condoms are on the floor?" or "Your jimmy hats are in the middle of the aisle?" or "Hey, thanks!" or do you pick them up and ask "Sir, do these size small condoms belong to you?" I didn't see a size, however it would have been funny to out him to everyone around. After saying "Sir" a few times, my date finally got the attention of the lost box of condoms owner. Pointing and saying "I think you dropped something" sufficed. He scooped them up and went on his way. Probably to do it with her. Thank goodness for the bearded man! No glove, no love! No wrappin', no tappin'!

Career Day...and stuff

My football team was recently asked to partake in Career Day at a local elementary school. Four of us decided to go. Sorry to the bugkiller who couldn't quite make it. The theme to this Career Day was "Non-Traditional Careers for Women". Being an engineer and football player, I guess you could say we were "non-traditional".

So we show up, get our visitor pass (Nancy's nametag said Mary for some reason) and went to talk with some 4th and 6th graders. One of the local news anchors was there...how the hell were we going to outdo her? She was cool and even chatted up with us.

So Mary and I teamed up to talk with the 6th graders. LC and Chara took on the 4th graders and even brought presents. Damn. We had three classes over an hour and a half time span.

We were supposed to talk about our career: who, what, how, where, how much you get paid. I think the most common question, however, was "How many touchdown passes have you thrown?" This was directed to Mary. Also they asked about injuries and what our season records were. We even explained football positions.

Mary and I also talked about our engineering careers with the kiddies. We should have told them about how we email each other and check our myspaces all day....but we didn't. We didn't want to give away all of the perks of being behind a computer. I mean, I have nothing to do the rest of today so I'll be surfing the internet. It's why I became an engineer.

After finding out most of the class hated math, I decided to show them a few math tricks I had learned over the years. I bedazzled them.

At the end of class, we instructed everyone to check out our website, www.alabamarenegades.net.... then we mentioned our Myspace. It was like a bomb went off...sixth graders asking us what our Myspace name was....

Future engineers right there...

St. Louis...and stuff

I recently returned from a business trip to St. Louis. I didn't see anyone wearing band-aids on their face so I am assuming it is no longer fashionable there. Here's a quick recap of what I learned.

1. Never wear a Bangkok Thailand, or any other destination, shirt on an airplane. The steward and stewardess on both of my connecting flights asked if I had been there. I only replied "Nope, just got the t-shirt". They proceeded to tell me a story or a quip about Bangkok because they've either worked there or have a fiance from there. Hey buddy, I didn't ask if those pants were from Sears. Just pour my tomato juice and move along.

2. People wear anything, anywhere. Please don't wear camo from head to toe unless you are being deployed. I saw more hammer pants, fanny packs, visors (as in old people visors), and Crocs (ugh!) that one should ever see in a lifetime. In fact, I'm pretty sure I met mine, my mom's, my dad's, and my friend's quotas...so don't worry Dana, I have you covered!

3. There are three types of people who fly. The reader/computer geek, the sleeper, and the I-wanna-make-friends-with-every-person-on-the-flight-talkaholic. People who know me may think I am the friendmaker. Surprise - I'm the sleeper. Unless I'm travelling with a friend, I will not talk to anyone. Unless something needs to be said, I'll shut my eyes and go to a happy place. Unfortunately, I was stuck behind two talkaholics for an hour. They were both aisle seaters so they were constantly being interrupted by the stewardess (who has been to Bangkok btw). I happily sat next to another sleeper though I couldn't fall asleep since I was intrigued with the talkaholic's convo...or rather annoyed because of their verbal volume. One was going to Boston for spring break. She was the quirky type - funky glasses, cardigan, chuck taylors, messy ponytail. Her "friend" was visiting family in Ohio and decided to bring them some eggs. Yes, she whipped out a carton of farm eggs. So between the two, I was stuck in a vortex, whipping around with my arms and legs flailing about hoping to have Auntie Em call me home. Then we landed.

4. The Amish like to travel.I visited The Arch. It was across the street from my hotel so I walked over and purchased a ticket to ride to the top ($10). I wandered around while I waited on my turn to go up. There were gift shops, a free museum (complete with animatronics who told stories; my favorite being the black cowboy), and an old-fashioned mercantile. As I watched visitors coming and going, I witnessed something that amused me. Metal detectors are placed at the entrance. I looked up to witness the Amish (or Mennonites or whoever they were...they had bonnets and beards) set off the metal detector. The first few who went through didn't set it off, but it was that bastard Ezekial (we'll call him Eazy-E) that did. I've also seen these people at the beach, dressed in their long trousers and floor-length dresses wading in the ocean. Those Amish go anywhere (as long as it's by horse)!

I will upload pics as soon as possible. I found something disturbing on a backpack of a traveller but I cannot describe it. I will definitely need help...more to come...

Graceland..and stuff

This past weekend, I was told I was going to Memphis, home of Graceland and good BBQ. An unexpected trip is always fun and I'm down to go. The weather was nice as was the time off.

Before going to the hotel, Graceland called. I wish I hadn't answered now that I look back at it. I went once when I was maybe 5 or 6. All I remember about it was his grave* (we all know he's alive) and green shag carpet.

First off, Graceland has become nothing more than the strip at Panama City Beach. You know what I'm talking about. The same damn gift shops that sell the same damn stuff...I don't think Elvis use any guitar-shaped purses or walking canes...though I may be wrong. Each "attraction" exited to yet another gift shop. Need some replica jumpsuits? Go ahead and make your order.

The house itself isn't too large compared to today's homes. You only get to see the main floor and the basement with it's 70s decorations and furniture. I wanted to see the upstairs where he died on the toilet. Instead I saw where he made his peanut butter and nanner sandwhiches in the kitchen.

Since the platinum tour was picked ($40 per person), the automobile exhibit was next. Zipping by people who read every single plaque about each f'n car, the tour was completed in possibly 5 minutes. What's next? GIFT SHOP!!!

Then off to see his collection of clothes (skinny Elvis). Each damn jumpsuit had a plaque that talked about when he wore it and such. If you were lucky, there as a clip playing on the television. Some weirdo women were taking pictures and dancing around (I'm sure I'd do that if it were a NKOTB exhibit...but nonetheless). Exit out...GIFT SHOP!

After clothes was his planes. This is where the tour got sticky. The larger plane, the Lisa Marie, was cramped, causing you to be unable to pass anyone. THIS WAS TORTURE. Somehow I ended up behind some French jackasses who wanted to stare into oblivion for more than mere moments. Look a seat belt in the bed. Great. NEXT! No, we want to stand around and stare at it. Here's the tv...let's stare at that too!! I should have used a term I picked up in France while riding bicycles. Bougez, which means move. I must have been staring into oblivion myself to not remember this.

Finally off the plane and away from those bastards. Next up was Elvis After Dark..which means the clothes he wore at night? Not sure. It was a room full of more clothes I assume he wore out. Exit out...GIFT SHOP!

After passing Harley Davidson Graceland, I was done. A four hour tour took less than 2.

Here's what I would have liked to have seen. Elvis' house NOW. After watching Cribs and seeing other celebrity homes, this was nothing. Get some Trading Spaces people or some Extreme Home Makeover people and fix it up. There's only so much gaudy one can see.

TCB Baby.

PS The BBQ was excellent in Memphis. As was the Brazillian food at Texas de Brazille. All you can eat Brazillian meat??? Heaven.

The Night the Lights went out in Nashville...and other stuff

This past weekend started off with a monumental happening: Char actually gave my cd back that she has held hostage for almost three years! Granted I did give her another cd to borrow...we'll see what happens. THANKS!

As you may or may not know, I along with other teammates of mine as well as players from other teams, ventured to Nashville this past weekend to watch the National Women's Football Association's Championship game. Last year, this game was in Pittsburgh. I blogged about it, it's in my archives. No, this one did not have a soundtrack included. I did not get pulled over by police and I did not partake in finding porn...this time.

Last year only three Renegades made it to the big game. This year, we answered the call bringing roughly 15. We didn't bring a football, however, because...well...because instead we had softball equipment. Go figure :)

Prior to reaching our hotel (thanks Carly), we migrated to Academy Sports, cautiously avoiding small woodland creatures who find pleasure in making caravans of women football players brake ever so rapidly to avoid plastering their precious furry heads into the construction-infested highways of Tennessee.

I hate run-on sentences. And I purchased purple shorts. Word.

Checked into hotel and went next door to Wendy's with Char, Jen, and Sarah. For some unknown reason, Wendy's had their entire workforce there...20 or so "workers" though I doubt they did much "work". My favorite was the "worker" who didn't do what her manager asked because "it's hot next to the fryer". It was as if the entire place ran in slow motion. I swore even the flies were fluttering about a little slower than usual.

After stopping for chinese food and coffee, we were all on our way to the game. The field is on the north end of Nashville, home of absolutely nothing. The closest hotel was the Super 8 (thanks again Carly). We pull up and get situated...ready to tailgate. Only one problem, we didn't bring any chairs and had only one tailgate to "tailgate" with. So we venture to the surrounding fans. We make friends with Columbus fans. One *pretty gay guy per Dana* in particular said we had "funny accents". Hello Pot, this is Kettle. He was our buddy all night.

Seeing teams from Ft. Wayne, St. Louis and others caught my eye. I met my message board friends and tried to barter for t-shirts while my teammates practiced their softball and the Mexicans played soccer in the field next to them.

We reached the stadium, ready for the game. We decide to sit on the Columbus side, along with teams from Mass., New Orleans, Phoenix, and Erie (the drunks who show up EVERY year...hilarious). New Orleans was pretty drunk as well, constantly yelling "Pass it to 15. Run a post!"

At halftime, the power decided to go out. After puns about Pensacola not being there and singing "This Little Light of Mine", it finally came on. We took pictures in the dark and some came out decent. It was also said that we should pull all of our trucks up to the field for lights in case it never came on. Yes, we are in God's country.

After the game, we all went to a place called Caberet 2 (so I'm guessing there's a 1 somewhere in Nashville). Inside are walls aligned with drag queen pictures. Fabulous. I get to the dance floor and proceed to "cut a rug". After a few songs, I realized I needed hydration or I was going to fall on my face and become coma-lized due to lack of sugar. Thanks Dana for noticing this.

I re-enter the dancefloor and maybe saw a pole. I doubt I went up there and danced but people say I did. Ok, maybe a little.

Finally the drag show started. I realized I could be a drag queen for Halloween. If I had a tiger costume with a wig, I could definitely be the dude who came out to the Lion King's music. He was rotund...and I'm rotund. He had no ass...and I have no ass. Perfect. Others came and went. Finally the show was over. Back to the dance floor.Other teams had filtered in by then. People who don't dance, danced all night (*ahem* Sarah).

At some point, Purple Rain came on. The stage (where the pole happened to be) had been rigged to rain. It was tempting to get up there because again, I needed hydration. However, I declined. My teammate, however, found it necessary to get on stage sans t-shirt with the other whores up there.

At the end of the night, 4am, Jack in da Box sounded good. Nothing like eating chicken before you go to bed. The only problem I had was waking up early to head home.

It's Tuesday and I'm still tired. Next year, we'll still take a trip to wherever this game is held. Hopefully I'll bring a chair next time.

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This past weekend I move out of my lame-ass apartment complex into a lame-ass convenant community. I guess it's going up the ladder. What sucked is this was during the first weekend of football season. Not only did I miss the first game...I also missed my buds moving help. My father and another almost died of heat exhaustion moving my king size mattress up some stairs...but it's up there.

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My brother is in a "Flaming Tables" match tonight. I won't be there as I am still moving stuff out of aforementioned lame-ass apartment. I am sure I'll get the full recap tomorrow morning...or mid-morning.

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I went to Career Day with two other Renegades last week: a pest control tech (big ups Dana!) and a probation officer (thanks Tricia). I had my own room to speak to five classes in 30 minute increments. Dana and Tricia shared their room. There's something hard about explaining a complex job to first graders. I brought material samples to show them what I do/work on...each class thought I brought them credit cards. The fifth graders were not very happy to be there and were not open to my wit and sarcasm.

Too bad I wasn't in the other room. I heard that one kid said "My brother has a probation officer. She a white lady. She nice." while another commented "Are you the popo for real?" as his friend said "Shhh..you not supposed to call them that to they face."

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I was recently asked to pick up breakfast one morning from Hardeezzzzzzzzzzz. Hardeezzzzzzzzzz is located along the strip of fast-food chains..sitting between Arby's and McDs. My cohort had asked for a cinnamon raisin biscuit. Just getting up out of bed, I drove the few short miles for the buttermilk goodness of Hardeezzzzzzzzz. This establishment is one the left hand side of the road, across a median. So I pulled a U and drove to the drive thru. I didn't see the cinnamon raisin biscuit on the menu, however I was sure something "cinnamon" was on it...I was hardly awake. I ordered my sausage and biscuit combo and asked for a cinnamon biscuit. Through the garbled speech I heard "We don't have any...we have cinnamon blasts" Alright, give me two. Surely this is what my cohort was speaking of.

I pull up to the window and pay. While I awaited my food, I noticed the job posting on the window. I was a little puzzled by the website address as it said nothing about Hardeezzzzz...I thought maybe it was a coporate address.

I speed off and end at my destination, slurping on my Dr. Pepper. I grabbed the bag and went inside of the house where I find my partner saying "So you went to McDonald's instead,eh?" No. He then pointed out "Well, you have a McDonald's bag and you are drinking from a McDonald's cup...so you must have beent to McDonald's." I argued that I went to Hardeezzzzzz and they must have ran out of their cups and bags...so McDonald's supplied them some extra. Then I looked at my receipt...sure enough...McDonald's.

I had passed the playground...stared at the menu...even saw the mcjobs website...and I swore I was at Hardeezzzzzzzz...

This should tell you people not to wake me up early and expect me to be aware of what I am doing before 8am...oh wait...it was 8.

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2006 Championship game blog (yes I moved it)

or all who were under a rock this weekend, the National Women's Football Association had their championship game in Pittsburgh, PA Saturday night. Being the dedicated player I am, I travelled with some teammates to witness the game between the DC Divas and the OK City Lightning. I decided I would include a soundtrack to this story, for the full effect.

Started out leaving rather late Friday night for the eleven hour haul. We have a tendancy to travel into the wee hours which has it's challenges such as gas stations not being open at 4:30 am and hallucinations that the Cincinnati Reds baseball stadium is hosting a game at 3:30 am. Sweet tarts should be illegal.

The soundtrack starts with hitting Nashville around 11pm Friday night.

Wild Night - Van Morrison. We knew we were in for a long one but with my company, it would no doubt be fun.

Then it happened....

Radar Love - Golden Earring. Saucy gets a speeding ticket and pisses off the cop. So I pulled over to the left side of a four lane interstate. He didn't have to mouth off to me. I was pleasant if not really sweet. He informed me I can take my traffic school online now rather than pay my ticket and get 9 points on my record (unblemished one at that). He then says "Be careful and pay attention. There are signs everywhere that it's 55 around here." Sorry to keep up with the traffic sir. I was tempted to use "F* The Police" for this song by the way.

So after that...

Slow Ride - Foghat. I'm going slower now, thanks.

Back to the conversation. My buddy Char informs all of her father's brothers, including himself, are named Joe...well Joseph. They all go by their middle names. This is hilarious to me as I picture a house of 9 Joe's. She tells tales of Leather Joe, Butterknife Joe, etc.. Hence..

Walkaway Joe - Trisha Yearwood (which came on the radio a few times...ironical!! haha)

At this point, around 2 am, we are all giddy and hyped up on caffiene. Char then mentions her Unlce Joseph Munford. Being French-Canadian, Char pulls out the French version of his name...Mon Unc Munford..which sounds like a deaf person saying something like "mo'fo". We crack up for a long time with this one...leading to...

Voulez-Vous Couchez Avec Moi, C'est Soir - Patty Labelle. Sure it's really called Lady Marmalade but it's the only french song I know.

We hit Cincinnati and decide to get a room (not a bowtie,thanks). We tried to sleep for a few hours but to no avail. We left after roughly 5 hours. Thanks Quality Inn for boarding us next to a tire-changing place that opens early on Saturday morning! We leave in our pajamas...which means...

I Like My Women Just a Little On The Trashy Side - Confederate Railroad

Four hours later, we are finally in Pittsburgh. The drive was pretty and slow. Seriously, 55 mph speed limit on the interstate..geez.

We get there just in time to shower and head over to the pre-party. We were told this was to be at a roadhouse. I, picturing the lovely-coifed Swayze and cowboy boots, stroll in with my posse to see a fairly clean and decent pub. These yankees don't know the meaning of a roadhouse. We met some players from the Pittsburgh Passion and had a some great food.

There's a Tear In My Beer - Hank Williams Sr. - Cohorts of mine downed six beers in an hour and were happy to head over to the game feeling fine.

We get to the game to see some tailgaters. One in particular asked what team we were with. We said Alabama. We returned the question to the drunk girl and she answered "I don't know". Sweet.Drunk people are fun!!

There were teams from the north at the game. We were getting stares and comments like "Alabama? Wow!". I guess they thought we wouldn't make the trek up there. Don't they know who we are? Don't they know we will travel at a moments notice?

The game was fun. We met some players from other teams and I met some of my message board buddies. The most amazing part was people were bringing in liquor to this high school stadium. I'm talking coolers full of beer and liquor. Damn, we missed out on this opportunity.

The game featured songs during time-outs, so I must include them here.

Urgent - Foreigner. I somehow thought the song was titled "Murder". This song played when there was an injury.

Everybody Dance Now - C&C Music Factory (during which I did my best SNL cheerleader dance moves)

In The Navy - The Villiage People (I have no idea why this was played)

Girls Just Want To Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper Evidently this was from an 80s collection cd

We skipped the after-party to go catch some much needed sleep. We had to leave out early to return the following day.

Sunday morning, we headed back. Char, being the fast one, drove the majority of the way, making excellent time. I got behind the wheel somewhere in KY. Somehow we ended up and at Adult Bookstore, thanks to Char's eyesight.

Now, this is where it's funny. Sure it’s a bookstore, but as Char puts it "The front says book store but the book section is tiny while the video section is huuuge." Yes, that's how they trap you in. We gander around, gawking and making jokes.

On the way home, as I'm driving through Bowling Green, I had to set the cruise control because my buddy brought a DVD player. We decided to watch one of the purchased videos in the car just because we could. So, leaving it up to you, the song most appropriate for this was ...

Take It Like A Man - Suzy Bogguss

Got home around 6pm and was ready for bed. Had a fun trip but a little tired today. Hopefully the game next year will be closer but if not, I'm sure we'll drive wherever it is!

Rage Against the Machine...and stuff

Recently my best good friend Shannon and I frolicked to our favorite local mall establishment.She lives roughly 2 hours away so whenever we see each other, we tend to go to the local mall, be it in Nashville or in Huntsville. Granted, Nashville's malls are waaay better but I digress...

Shannon and I have a tendency to get our pictures taken in those photo/sticker booths. We have many many memories of doing this along with the evidence that your tongue does not grow past age 14. The price has also increased along with the payment options. I remember trying to find two straight dollar bills that weren't rejected by the dollar-bill-eater. Other than that, we never had any problems...until...

We come upon "Foto-Cube" (FC). FC is a new concept wherein four pictures are taken and laid out so you may fold ends to make a cube. Whoever at FC thought four sides made a cube is a complete idiot. Anyway, Shannon and I got the idea to get ours done. We sit down inside of the booth. Five bucks!! What? And you may use your credit card for payment. Ok, we are grown ass women. I can spare five bucks.

Payment made. Now it's time to choose your border. Border? What happened to just those blue or red curtains? We picked our "Hotties" border, complete with flames. Next is taking the pictures. There's the usual tongue one,goofy face, etc. While you are making these faces, the video of you is playing outside for the mall walkers to see. We don't fret.

While the FC is being developed (3 minutes), trivia questions are asked on the screen. Whoever thought of these questions must have been the bright one who said four sides made a cube. These questions were about movies no one probably saw twenty years ago. Who exactly is the target audience for FC?

Ah, three minutes is up as I see our FC spit out at the bottom printer hole(there are three).I reached down to grab it and enjoy our FC with my best good friend. But no. Before I could touch it, it was sucked up back into the FC. DAMN YOU FC! DAMN YOU!

I then get on my knees to see where our precious FC ran off to. It's stuck in the printer, inches away from my fingers. DAMN YOU FC FINGER GUARDS! Shannon and I are helpless...until..

Shannon calls the 1-800 number listed on the FC. We didn't think there would be an on-call technician or anything. Shannon finally got a customer service rep. (I'm still on my knees cussing the FC). The Rep advised Shannon to "beat above the printer hole like you would do a door." What kind of door? Wooden, glass, steel???? There's so much difference! I beat it and beat it some more. Shannon, who btw is three mos. pregnant, gets on her knees now (we joked that this is what got her pregnant in the first place) and beats with me. Nadda. Our memory is trapped. The Rep then tells Shannon she will send her a refund.Thanks Rep Lady but that doesn't even come close to the price of our memory.

We are not defeated though we were sad. Then we had the bright idea of waiting until another person used the FC and see if the printer they printed to was ours...possibly getting ours loose. So yes, we stalked the FC. After a few minutes, a couple of teenagers went in.They paid and took their pictures. YES! We were excited about getting our memory out of the damned FC. After three minutes, their FC spits out...of the top printer. They enjoy their memory while Shannon and I are pissed. We go back to beat on it some more, taking out our frustrations. Why oh why Foto-Cube would you give them happy memories???

After a while, we decide to continue our shopping and come back. Maybe our luck would change. I keep looking back as I walk away...away from our memory. We returned shortly to find the same two teenagers on the floor in front of the FC waiting on another one. They were playing with the properly folded cube, tossing it in the air, as if to taunt us with their Foto-Cube. Sure enough, their second cube popped out and they folded it and showboated their luck. Damn bitches.

Shannon and I were distressed. We didn't know what to do. We decided to kick it some more, getting our frustrations out. We raged. Against the machine. Back on our knees we tried to reach it to no avail.

F it. We decide to get another made. Maybe it will not eat this one. We get in and I pay with a credit card. "Not able to transmit." WTF? Shannon tries hers..same thing. The FC gods are laughing at us. Maybe it's fate. F fate. I had another five dollar bill. Haha to you FC gods.

It takes, we take pictures. One is of us shooting the bird to the FC...we hate the FC now. Three minutes later....BAM, the FC spits out our first pictures!! Shannon grabs them quickly. After that our new FC comes out. We have won. We have beaten the machine. I laugh at you FC gods. We never gave up.

So the moral of the story is...beat on it, stalk it, leave it, come back to it, beat it again, and eventually you'll get what you want.

Good times.