I've been thinking about something recently. Perhaps only since lunch because I had slow-ass service at Buffalo's with Char. If I ever become un-straight, I have a checklist of characteristics my "ladymate" would have. (And yes, I know of the misspellings and bad grammar.)
1. She best not be easily embarrassed. I ain't havin' no lady who runs away from fun times...FUN TIMES...with me and my friends.
2. She better not be skinnier than me. She best be my size. I want to be able to share clothes. That's doubling my wardrobe!
3. She better not have an ass. I don't and she ain't gonna be stretchin' my clothes out.
4. She better not be no alcoholic. I can't afford it and it's just tacky dating a girl everyone talks about being an alcoholic.
5. She better like sports. I ain't hangin' with no woman who can't watch college football ,who can't throw a curve ball, or who don't 'WOOO' when some wrestler gets chopped.
6. She better like doin' dirty work. I ain't havin' no prissy woman who doesn't like gettin' dirty.
7. She better not be no crackhead. Again, I ain't datin' no woman everybody will make fun of. Plus that'll make her skinnier than me and that violates rule 2 but not 3.
8. She better have a job. I ain't datin' no mooch.
9. She better know how to cook a pot pie and know when to bring it to me. I ain't gonna be the only cook in this relationship.
10. She best not have jacked up teeth. I ain't havin' no woman with a battle of epic proportions in her pie hole.
11. She best not be a hooker. I can't deal with skanky bitches.
12. She better not be no damn Florida fan. Everyone hates Florida and I ain't datin' no Florida lover.
13. She better not be a faster runner than me. I ain't havin' it.
14. She better know how to clog. I ain't dancin' by myself on the Coyote Ugly bar...then again, I might.
15. She better drive a truck, and not a damn foreign one. I got stuff to haul.
16. She better know how to move a person. If she don't know how to stack stuff right and how to move a double recliner couch down some stairs...we gotta problem.
17. She best not be trying to wear my shoes. Saucy's shoes are her babies. I don't need no lady tryin' to cop my Steve Madden's.
18. She best be likin' to travel. I can go anywhere at anytime and she should too.
19. She best not have a beard. I ain't bein' made fun of. Mustaches are ok though.
20. She best have some smarts about her. I ain't datin' someone who doesn't know who the vice-president is. Or how to use an oven to cook my pot pie.
21. She best not be too smart. I ain't gonna be talkin' about no Fibonacci sequences or no non-eclidean geometries. That's what my freinds are for.
22. She best not have no limp. I ain't datin' no gimps...unless she hurt it playin' sports.
23. She best not be no huntin' type. I can't stand killin' small woodland creatures.
24. She best not be no smoker. The only smokin' I tolerate is Boston Butt.
These are just a few should I ever become a Klondike bar eater...
_______________________________________Last night I went to see 'Snakes On A Plane'. Why you ask? Good question. Maybe becaues I enjoy snakes attacking people. Or I like planes with animals running amuk. Then I thought maybe it was love story about male porno stars getting it on. Perhaps Carly can chime in if she has this particular video already. You know she likes some trouser snakes...but only on video.
The buildup to this movie by the media has been interesting. The fact that the name of the movie gave the entire thing away behooves me. However, the question is "Will this be a cult classic?" It's possible. I'm sure it will win many accolades.
I'm not going to give the movie away (THERE ARE SNAKES ON A PLANE!) but I'll give you my review.
You know the snakes are coming at some point. You brace yourself for when they attack. It was a little unbelieveable but freakin' hilarious to me (my counter disagrees and said I was scared). I mean, come on. Do you think "No Shoulders" can put it's mouth around an entire human being's head? Even my un-hinge-ability isn't that grand.
I walked away from this movie with a faster heartbeat than when I came in. There were lots of startling scenes and lots of "wow, yeah, glad I ate before the movie" scenes. Some will no doubt be replicated by SNL or MAD Tv...or even God forbid the MTV Movie awards.
Samuel L. Jackson (not to be confused with Samuel P. Jackson, the roofing contractor in Maryland) played his usual kick-ass-Chuck-Norris-style Shafty role. He never plays a wimp. He did fairly well considering THERE WERE SNAKES ON A PLANE.
All in all, it was worthy of seeing in a theatre. I would recommend it being in 3D. And that you eat afterwards.
Hopefully I didn't give too much away (THERE ARE SNAKES ON A PLANE). I really hope this is just one of the many "_________ on a Plane" movies. The following is a list of the ones I hope to see.
Billy Goats On A Plane
Weaves On A Plane
Midgets On A Plane
Penis On A Plane
and the ever favorite in the Middle East...
Bhurkas (Gone Wild) On A Plane
What do you want to see on a plane? Let me know.
_______________________________________
Well folks, I celebrated my birthday in style this past weekend. Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes and the presents! I love me some presents! And cake. Fat girl's gotta eat.
Cat and I share our birthday so we decided to throw our own party. Since I love themes, we decided on a "Come as a Straight Girl" party, where you dress up as your opposite orientation. Since I'm straight and narrow, I had to dress up crooked (per Char's vocabulary).
Now I had been pondering what to dress up as and how to dress up. At first, I thought about dressing up as my football buddy Dana with her "tacky yet totally refined" shirts she wears and some cargo shorts. Dana was unable to make the party as she was too busy eating dogs in Korea. Then I debated on dressing up as a boy. One with glow sticks, a flashy shirt, and wrist bands. Then I realized my boobs were WAY to large for that. If I had taped them down, people wouldn't know who I was.
Then I get my email from Catherine, my favorite ginger. She's decided to dress as ME. Then the wheels started turning. I decided to go as my favorite sideline videographer...Ms. Catherine The Great herself. Here's a lovely pic of the lady..
Usually, she wears her utilitairan look out to the games. Mostly a cowboy hat (to block the sun), cargos with deep pockets for things, and a tank top, preferabbly green or black. So, I bought me a wig, shorts, and found my Velma glasses....
I let Cat borrow my practice jersey so she donned it, a doo rag, slutty tank and ugly shoes to complete the "Saucy" look. In pic is me, Carlito, and Cat. Notice Carlito's skirt...borrowed from her sister whom we call "Sister". That night, however, she was Sam (in the green). Sam carried a pocket knife, chapstick and a wallet.
As the guests started showing up, I found myself double over laughing so hard at outfit choices. My favorite had to be my buddy Char who was known as "Vonda" that night. Vonda had a husband, Earl, who was at the races..and she was a lady. Oh what a lady she was. Thanks to Sister "Sam" for doing her make-up because it's been a while since Char has put on her face.
Now here's a pic of the lovely Chara before (number 92)...
So look out, here comes Vonda after ...notice her nails :)
And also notice how Carlito is in a lot of my photos.
Other "characters" for the night included Sandy (Kerby) and Britney (Marty). In this pic, Sandy shows that she really does like the penis pinata.
Britney cooked some out-of-this-world food and tolerated wearing my skirt. I told her she's going to have to eat more if she's going to be wearing my clothes. She's our running back and you know those girls are small.
Sandy had hair and make-up (courtesy of Sam again) and carried a purse. All of the "ladies" carried a purse that night.
Other couples of interest that night included Aric and Amanda and Taylor and Lee. Sorry I don't have your pics up yet.
One of my favorite people in the world is Cally (forgive me if I spelled it wrong). I met her recently and found out she makes me laugh so hard. She's the other "token" among our buddies so she's my straight girlfriend. She came to the party in painted over-alls. Evidently lesbians are great house painters. I had no clue. So here she is with the birthday girls.
Later on that night we played poker. Cally and I put on our poker mustaches and played characters. Of course she was Louigi from Super Mario Bros...freakin' hilarious. I wore multiple mustaches at the same time. Maybe it was the rum and coke, I have no idea. I played poker for a few hours on ten bucks. And it was my second time playing. I think my mustache, sunglasses and cowboy hat worked. I'll put that pic up sometime soon...maybe...
All in all it was a blast. Sorry you missed it. Maybe our next party will be a different theme, though secretly I think these girls liked putting on make-up and carrying purses. Thanks for the pics Char.
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